In my search for books by Carolyn Myss, Brene Brown, Dr Bessel van der Kolk, and Kelly Brogan, I stumbled upon this little book yesterday afternoon. I brought it home to glance through and see if it was worth reading. Well, it certainly was. You see, I misplaced my LDS fantasies of how I was going to turn out, and how my sons would serve missions, and my children would be safely encircled in the arms of other Mormons who knew us and loved us. I’ve learned the hard way that love hurts and though one may love a child, friend, spouse or parent, as a member of my Mormon story, one [all the other people, family, I thought loved me] loves the organization much much more.
It’s okay. All of it is okay. We are all each seeking for our Truth, and we are all doing the best we can, sometimes that best carries us and others through, sometimes that best lets us down. I resigned from the LDS church June 2015, but I do not walk away from who I am, the belief that shaped me and framed my world, or the God I learned to love and feel loved me in return. I finally accept the rejection of myself from the household of my faith, and I let go of trying to prove my worth and my longing nostalgia to be heard, seen, loved, understood.
For a long time I’ve mourned my loss; of self, of hope, of purpose. For even longer I’ve been keenly aware of my differences from other people, groups, ideas, ect. Yet today I’ve finally felt the beginning awakenings of the truth “that big messy spiral of people, moving, trying to find God. That right there is Zion. Get there however you can.” (Parentheses above taken from the book). The truth that I long believed of not belonging, it turns out that I actually do. I belong to this messy mass of beautiful humanity searching for truth. I never understood before just how much I truly belong!
Breathings 