Whew! I sure have learned a lot the last two weeks. It started when I got a text from my mom asking me to come fly down (alone) for my brother’s graduation from law school. That was what triggered the mother/daughter dream that I blogged about in strong and immovable vs. steadfast love. In the dream the mother daughter bond was so strong, but in real life I have a very poor relationship with my mother. It’s hard to be honest, but it’s been poor for a very long time, but always I craved things from her, she grew unable as the years continued to pass, to give. Such as true love and genuine affection. In fact, the more deeply my parents waded into lds church obedience, the less capable of love they both became. That was the point of the dream, that is what the dream has been teaching me these last two (few?) weeks. At first it was very upsetting. In fact, just 9 days after the dream I had a huge burst of honesty, and frustration and a little anger, at my mom. I soon regret the anger, but I realize that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to communicate my need without that driving force. 10 days later, on the phone, I told my mom things she will never be able to hear, understand, believe, or internalize. It was so much water off a ducks back (except for the offense. She took offense and as a blameless victim, from her Christlike pedestal, will condescend to let me know she loves me anyway, I mean always).
“She’s not a person, but a glorified being on a pedestal to be admired. Standing fast and immovable.”
And that is the glory of her LDSism. At least she has that.
After I missed the day of the graduation I went ahead and drove down, with the 6 youngest kids, 3 hours north of there and stayed with my sister. It actually worked out to be a significant part of this whole learning process, as apparently my sister has followed my mom down the path and mimicked the lds party line of uber self righteousness. I’m not sure she meant to, but with just her and myself in the car she gave me a testimony speech of facts that she knows 100% true due to personal experiences that Heavenly Father is real and true, and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the 100% one and only true, valid, real vehicle to return us all, as many people as possible, to Him. – So, p.s. wrapped up in that is the invalid, false, 100% completely unimportant truth of my own personal experiences, in the name of Jesus Christ amen.
That was the first day we got there, and I almost left right then. I almost packed up those precious children of mine and drove straight back home. But we stayed, because they love their cousins so, and we stuck to the plan. I’m sure glad we did! We had a nice time after that and really enjoyed ourselves, but we also learned some very important things:
1. We have no longings for unknown things connected to our family (cousins).
2. We have no regrets for the way we live our lives.
3. We are at peace with the way things are, happy we went, happy still to leave when we did and go back home. (My 18 yo, Trenton, voiced these).
4. We are excited to come home and be us!! We are just right exactly as we are right now in this moment, and it’s beautiful. (That one came from me).
Yet we all agreed and speak for one another. We are us. We are so good. We are valid, important, and truthful. And though our truths are different from others truths, our experiences are facts as well. We can have an inner knowing, even during an outer performance to destroy our personal facts.
Breathings 